apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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