we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
