I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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