you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
