I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
