Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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