Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
