there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
