Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
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