Pregnant stripper...not hot.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
