Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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