I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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