Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
