you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
