I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize