why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
