i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Is it because I queefed?
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Randomize
