so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
