Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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