I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
