Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
