you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
