I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
