where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
