I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Damn victory sex feels great
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
