You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Randomize
