do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize