You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
