I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
and i looked up. we had an audience...
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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