hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
