I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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