Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Randomize
