There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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