haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
