So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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