what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
