New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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