My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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