It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Randomize
