Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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