yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
