I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
