and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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