How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize