Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Randomize
