saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Enjoy the penises
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
