Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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