i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
