i just sent this text using only my big toe
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
