I think I died a long time ago.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Randomize
