Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Can you bring me the toilet please
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
