he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
God, I missed his penis.
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