He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
how does that bad decision feel?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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