when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
