dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Sorry about my life...
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
