I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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