call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Pooping to opera.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize