were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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