Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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